


Losing Control

by sunhawk (sunhawkflamesprite)



Category: CSI: Miami
Genre: Angst, M/M, Pre-Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-11-25
Updated: 2005-11-25
Packaged: 2017-10-20 06:54:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,992
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/209969
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunhawkflamesprite/pseuds/sunhawk
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Pre-"Nailed", Eric struggles to figure out why things between himself and Ryan are getting so out of control.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Losing Control

**Author's Note:**

> Many thanks to my favourite beta raimm for helping me out ^_^

Calliegh tried to talk him out of it, saying it was best to let things take place naturally than rush them. But Eric didn't want to wait, didn't want to have to put up with another minute working with someone who treated him with such contempt, right out of the blue. It didn't make sense, Eric told Calleigh, he didn't understand what Ryan's problem was. Unlike Calleigh, he didn't believe that Ryan would ever just open up to him and confess his troubles. Men and women were different like that with the whole talking about their feelings bit, he tried to explain, to which Calleigh just chuckled and shook her head. Even though he knew she was probably right, even though his conscience accused him of letting his ego have the driver's seat, Eric just couldn't let it go. He and Ryan just had to have a good, old-fashioned, honest talk and hash out whatever it was that had suddenly made life a lot more murky around the forensics lab. It was that simple.

Unfortunately, nothing was as straightforward as Eric's plan when it came to the reality of the situation. Eric was surprised at how inventive Ryan had become at finding reasons to avoid him, how he would blink and somehow the new CSI would manage to vanish from line of sight, which was no mean feat in a building made up of glass walls. Finally Eric dropped all pretense of making his confrontation appear natural and followed Ryan after work one Tuesday evening.

Surprisingly, Ryan did not scuttle directly home to his apartment (using the most efficient means possible and turning intersections at precise ninety degree angles like a good perfectionist should) but instead turned his car into the parking lot of an unassuming greasy spoon that had neon lights advertising "Fish'N'Chips" and "All Nite Breakfast" in the windows. In short, the last place Eric would have guessed Ryan would willingly step inside, let alone go for an after-work meal.

Well, maybe not for a meal, Eric amended mentally after a few minutes. The big diner-style windows made it easy to watch Ryan walk into the joint and take up what looked like a regular spot in a booth, yet he waved away everything but coffee when the waitress came by. And then Ryan spent the next twenty minutes staring intently at his cracked coffee mug as if waiting for it to recite poetry or tell him a secret. Eric, to put it succinctly, was baffled.

He waited another few minutes, debating with himself, then slowly got out of his SUV and walked through the doors of the diner, an off-key bell jangling to announce his entrance, yet Ryan didn't even twitch. Deciding to take advantage of Ryan's preoccupation, Eric kept his steps normal and didn't say a word of greeting, he just plopped himself down on the other side of the booth before Ryan could even look up. His startled co-worker just stared at him for a long moment, then made a swift effort to stand up only to still at Eric's next words.

"Try to leave and I'll sing J-Lo."

"Excuse me?" Ryan said, his green eyes wide and uncomprehending. Eric continued to follow his instincts and qualified his "threat" to Ryan:

"If you leave this booth, I am going to break out, loudly I might add, into Jennifer Lopez' latest hit and serenade you for your whole walk back to your car." Eric kept Ryan's gaze ensnared and calmly watched as another long moment passed and Ryan's racing thoughts could be seen swarming behind his eyes. Then Ryan swallowed and returned to his seat with a slightly exaggerated show of calm, confirming Eric's guess that being the centre of attention was the last thing Ryan ever wanted.

"Fine. Stay then." The words fell from Ryan's lips like small, blunt pebbles; rattling only briefly between the two of them before silence fell again. The waitress came once more, having noticed Eric's arrival, and he politely agreed to her request to fill his mug, except he actually added sugar to his and sipped from it. Ryan's mug continued to sit untouched in front of him, shedding forlorn steamy curls into the air. Eric discovered that he suddenly felt no desire to rush this confrontation and instead sat drinking his coffee as if he had all the time in the world. Which was somewhat true since he wasn't working a double shift or had any reason to expect to be called in tonight. So he decided to see if Ryan would make the first move, as he was "trapped" so to speak and quite obviously eager to escape as soon as possible.

"What. Are you doing here." Ryan finally grated out, while his fingers made short work of a swizzle stick; bending the orange plastic at perfectly even intervals.

"I wanted to talk to you." Eric replied simply. Ryan favoured him with a sardonic look.

"Couldn't you have done this at work?"

"Apparently you are quite the invisible man these days in the office, Wolfe. Hard to hold a conversation with only one party present." Ryan merely grunted at Eric's sarcastic explanation and returned his attention to the bent swizzle stick.

"Do you ever eat or actually drink anything here?" Eric said after a minute, as the silence yawned again between them.

"Actually I come here for the peace and quiet." Ryan said pointedly. Eric ignored his tone and nodded, sipping again from his still-hot coffee.

"Food's that bad, huh?" Eric concluded, and Ryan made a strange noise that might have been a chuckle or a snort. Finally losing his patience, Eric put aside his mug and leaned forward with his elbows on the table. Ryan watched his change in posture with an unnecessary amount of wariness, which Eric ignored as he cut to the chase.

"Look, I just want to know what I did to piss you off. Because I was pretty sure we were doing OK until you shafted me the other day, more than once, and then didn't even apologize. We work better when we all work together-" Eric's sincere little speech was rudely interrupted by an impatient Ryan.

"Yes, I know all about the grand master-scheme of the lab, Calleigh made it crystal clear for me. So you can spare me the lecture."

Eric paused and carefully looked Ryan over; noting that his newest colleague was still avoiding eye contact and seemed to be frowning with distaste.

"Does it bother you so much to work with others?" Eric asked confusedly.

"No."

"But working with me bothers you." Eric didn't even make it a question this time.

"Yes."

"Why?" Two can play the monosyllabic game, Eric figured.

"What is it any business of yours? Can't you just accept the fact that there might actually be a person who doesn't automatically adore the wonderful Eric Delko? Do you stalk and harass every person who doesn't follow you around like a puppydog?" Ryan retorted in a low but harsh voice. Eric would have rocked back on his heels had he been standing, but he settled for letting his eyebrows creep up towards his hairline.

"Well it becomes my business when it starts affecting the cases and people start to notice. I don't know if you've picked up on it yet but, in the lab, the gossip rivers run deep."

"It won't happen again, don't worry." Ryan met eyes with Eric just long enough to give him a stone-cold look of boredom to match his tone.

"So that's it, huh?" Eric said after another moment of tense silence.

"Yeah that's it." Ryan muttered, placing a neatly-folded bill on the table and leaving before Eric could register what he was doing. He was already out the door before Eric could shake himself, add his own crumpled bill and then chase Ryan to his car, his longer legs easily catching up to Ryan's determined march.

"Wolfe, wait a minute!" Eric called out as he dropped his hand on the door of Ryan's car, preventing him from getting in.

"Leave me alone, Delko." Ryan stubbornly pulled on the door handle while Eric leaned his weight against it.

"Just tell me what it is that I do to bug you." Eric coaxed. "Is it the way I talk? Is my fashion sense lacking? Do I have bad breath?" Ryan looked perplexed then angry as Eric finished his litany of questions.

"Do you honestly think I would get worked up over such superficial things?" He demanded, suddenly in Eric's face after working so hard to avoid even looking in Eric's direction.

"I may not know much about you, Wolfe. But I do know that it's the little things that bother you." Eric replied evenly, not backing down despite the intensity of Ryan's dark-green glare.

"I don't need another shrink, thanks." Ryan snapped, sharply pushing his hands out like he intended to give Eric a hard and vicious shove, only to have Eric grab his forearms in purely instinctive self-defence. Only then did Eric really grasp the depth of Ryan's anger, as his fingers registered the wire-tight trembling of Ryan's arms under his firm grip, the stark paleness of Ryan's face as he blanched at Eric's actions. Worried and still ultimately confused by everything about Ryan, Eric quickly let go of the younger CSI and put a healthy distance between them, just in case. He wanted to apologize but didn't know what for exactly, crippled by the fact that he still had no real idea what he was doing so wrong.

Luckily, Ryan didn't follow his retreat or take a swing at him. Instead, he took a deep breath and muttered something to himself, flashing hot angry eyes at Eric before he stormed into his car and slammed the door shut behind him with a loud metallic retort. Without another look in the Cuban's direction, Ryan spun his vehicle out of the parking spot with ruthless precision and tore off, the tires of his car squealing ever so faintly into the night.

  
**********

 

True to his word, Ryan's behaviour improved to watching eyes enough that his previous antagonism towards Eric was forgotten by everyone but the Cuban himself. There was nothing that Ryan did which Eric could fault him for; he was respectful and calm at all times. He even indulged in a mild form of humour with Eric that made for a very convincing appearance that his problem with Eric had been temporary and resolved, except for one thing. Which was that Ryan always kept a subtle yet clear distance between himself and Eric at all times.

The stupid part was that it threw Eric every time. He would be lulled by Ryan's calmness, his ability to crack a small, pleasant smile and make wry remarks that would send Eric into quiet chuckles. Moving past to grab some piece of evidence or prepare a slide, he would casually clap Ryan on the shoulder like he'd done with Speed or even Calleigh a hundred times. In that instant, before his fingers could truly register the sensation of muscles twisting in tension, Ryan would shift smoothly away from Eric and not stop until he was a good few feet away on the other end of the table. If they were out in the field, sometimes Ryan would walk out of sight for a few minutes and then return as if nothing had happened.

And it hurt, despite Eric's best efforts to feel otherwise. He didn't think of himself as the kind of person who needed physical contact with others, but the idea that even the smallest and most comradely of gestures was unappealing to someone he worked with bothered Eric. That _*he himself*_ was unappealing did not sit well.

"It's not you, it's him." Calleigh tried to reassure him when he brought it up with her, looking for advice. Eric nodded but the patient look he got in return told him that he must have an unconvinced look on his face.

"Hey you tried your best and if he doesn't get what makes you a great guy, it's his loss really. Can't please everybody all the time, Eric." Calleigh's next attempt to soothe him barely registered. And that wasn't it, anyway. Eric knew not everyone liked him and he was OK with that. He didn't care what most people thought. Part of his frustration with the whole situation stemmed from the fact he didn't know what made Ryan different. He didn't know why he wanted to figure out Ryan's problem with him, maybe it was just an ego trip or maybe it was just the same curiosity drive that lead him to become a forensic scientist. Whatever it was, Eric couldn't seem to shake his fixation on Ryan and even spent a few sleepless nights going over everything he knew about himself and trying to figure out what he was doing wrong.

To make matters worse, his frequent bouts of self-analysis made it impossible for Eric to ignore the surfacing fact that his concern over Ryan's rejection wasn't just a matter of respect. Eric didn't want Ryan to merely respect him, nor could he accept the idea that professional courtesy was all the future held for them. He wanted something more, found himself thinking about Ryan in a way he hadn't thought about anyone for years. His sense of timing about the whole thing was so terrible that more than once he felt like putting his head right through his locker door.

 _*Stupid stupid stupid. I must be the only person in the lab dumb enough to feel this way about the one person who can't stand to be in the same room as me.*_

Eric just sighed and put his labcoat into the locker, closing it with one hand and leaving the metal facade undented as he walked away.

  
***********

  
It had been a long week, with Calleigh on a forensics conference in L.A. and the rest of the team trying to pick up the slack and nail down a case involving some sick freak who had gone from flashing women to trying to grab them. If the hours of picking through the man's grungy belongings wasn't enough to creep Eric out, the feeling that was being watched all week certainly wasn't helping. Eric was starting to think the new lab was cursed because he could not figure out how whoever was staring at him was managing to hide themselves with all these windows.

 _*Are they actually good for anything, like maybe seeing what is going on in this lab?!*_

Eric sighed in frustration at his tenth sensation of ghostly observation and resolutely turned back to picking through one of the cardboard boxes they had picked up from the suspects garage. It was mildewy and seemed to be only full of dirty magazines and old cigarette packs. Still, it was Eric's job to catalogue the contents, no matter how mouldy they might be.

As he craned his neck down, the sensation of being watched returned, but this time Eric tried to be more subtle in seeing who it was. No starry-eyed intern or sneaking reporter was going to get the drop on him a second longer! With a spark of inspiration, he made the previously unhelpful windows actually be of use to him, by taking advantage of the fact they were so clear and glossy. This late in the day, the lab was dark enough they gave almost as good reflections as a mirror. Careful to tilt his eyes up without moving his head an inch or stopping his hands from sorting, Eric made a furtive round at glancing at every window in front of him. It hurt his eyes a little to do this but his efforts were rewarded when he caught sight of, in the second last window to his left, someone standing perfectly still in the doorway behind him. And Eric thought for a moment he was going to give himself away in shock.

The person standing there, watching him and not moving an inch, was Ryan Wolfe.

From what Eric could see in the faint reflection, Ryan had a dark look on his face, not of anger like Eric had expected, it was more of a pensive expression that creased Ryan's brow. He seemed stuck between entering the lab and turning right around to leave, the file folder in his hands tightly clenched. Only Ryan's eyes saved him from looking like a statue dedicated to serious workplaces, his green eyes light and glassy with repressed emotion.

Ryan's abrasive behaviour and stony disapproval suddenly took on a whole new light in Eric's eyes. Ryan wasn't angry, he didn't have a grudge against Eric, he was just... deathly afraid. Afraid to be close to Eric in any way, but also completely unwilling to walk away.

Eric was reminded of a time back when he was still a teenager on the swim team and his friend had been working a small-time marine zoo that was off the beaten path but still got a healthy number of tourists. Eric's friend had been in charge of showing children the harmless sea animals that lived in an algae-slimed tank, gently lifting them from the salty water and offering them on his palm to the curious youngsters. One afternoon, Eric had dropped by while a group of kindergarteners was visiting the zoo, gathered in a loose gaggle around the Petting Tank. Most of the kids had already pet an octopus or tickled the baby ray but one boy was left, standing too far back to get near the tank, despite the fact that Eric's friend was trying to coax him to come over and feel how bumpy Mr.Starfish was.

While the rest of the kids chattered amongst themselves, Eric and the teacher watched the dark-haired lad standing anxiously with one hand balled into a fist at the side of his mouth, as if he wanted desperately to suck his thumb. His eyes huge, the boy seemed caught between the desire to run away and to walk over to the slowly-wiggling starfish.

 _*"Do you want to meet Mr.Starfish, Josh?"*_

The boy had nodded silently, and very affirmatively, but didn't move forward. He tried to make himself walk but his fear made each step a tiny shuffle.

 _*"Don't worry, he doesn't bite or sting."*_ Eric's friend had tried to reassure him. _*"He's just a tickler at heart, really!"*_

That boy's eyes, big and shining, stared out from the very adult face of Ryan.

In that instant, with the memory fresh in his mind, Eric was sorely tempted to turn around and tell Ryan 'Don't worry, I don't bite or sting.' Instead, he carefully moved his eyes back to the counter and sifted through a few more fragments. A few moments passed and Ryan entered the room as if he had just turned the corner, idly turning the pages in the DNA report.

Eric felt breathless enough to go along with Ryan's little charade, trying to regain his composure and almost envying Ryan's ability to act like nothing had happened. Eric knew he'd been given a vital clue, a key to solving this whole tangled mess, but he didn't know how to use it. While he and Ryan went through the motions of discussing the evidence, Eric turned the little piece of mental gold over in his head and planned his next move.

*********

 

Once again, Eric found himself hanging around the lab long after all the sensible employees had gone home. While he would definitely take a bullet for Horatio, Eric was starting to regret his promise to his boss that he would have a match for the aquatic plant sample they had grabbed from the bottom of the victim's shoe. It wasn't a case of an obscure species, in fact it was the opposite: there were just too many places you could find _*Halimeda*_ algae.

Eric sighed and rubbed his tired eyes. He decided a coffee break was in order and then maybe the green cells on the slide in front of him would stop dancing and start looking distinct again.

Trying to mentally recite the differences between regional subspecies of algae, Eric didn't even think to look around as he made a beeline for his caffeine fix. He had nearly made it to the coffee machine before he realized he wasn't alone and caught sight of Ryan slumped at the breakroom table, his head pillowed on one of his bent elbows and slanted to the side. At the sound of Eric's entrance, Ryan briefly looked up but he did not react with quick avoidance that Eric had come to expect from him. He was fully prepared for Ryan to make a smooth and quick retreat back into the hallway, but for once Ryan seemed too worn out to do anything more than blink and then return his gaze to the black tabletop.

Eric took his time preparing himself his coffee as he processed this unexpected opportunity.

"Long day, huh?" Eric started out cautiously.

"Hmm." Ryan made a non-committal noise, partly muffled by his arm.

"Heard you made an arrest today." Eric sipped his coffee, taking care to not look at Ryan for longer than a few seconds. Ryan's reply was soft but didn't have that lack of inflection that meant he didn't want to talk to Eric.

"Yeah. Dan Whitby seemed to think 'Stop, police!' meant 'Play hide and seek for an hour in the bog beside the plant.' I believe you are the one who is supposed to do all that slogging through green mush."

Eric chuckled quietly. "That's not actually written anywhere in my contract."

"Funny, not in mine either."

"How long it take you to get the smell out?" Eric grinned. Ryan closed his eyes and sighed like one long-suffering.

"Long enough."

Casually moving to a few feet from Ryan, Eric opted not to sit but rather just leaned his hip against the stone's edge. Part of him didn't want this fun little conversation to end, since he couldn't remember the last time he had seen Ryan this relaxed, but Eric couldn't think of a better opportunity to try to get Ryan to be honest with him.

"What are you up to tonight?" Eric asked. Ryan looked at him with a little more alertness.

"What?"

"You're off the clock now, right? I'm this close to giving up on these damned algae slides and packing it up for the night. Want to go grab a beer?" Eric replied with more studied casualness. Ryan was now completely alert and was starting to lose that relaxed look that Eric had been enjoying.

"I don't think that's a good idea, Delko." At least Ryan was being polite. Eric mentally sighed and barrelled on.

"Don't you think this has gone on long enough?" Eric tried with all the friendliness he could muster.

"I'm not sure I follow what you are saying." Ryan replied slowly, though the cold look in his eyes said he knew exactly where Eric was trying to go. Even though he could see the granite walls going back up around Ryan, Eric decided, right there on the spot, that it was now or never. Mentally taking a deep breath, he leaned forward and took the plunge.

"I think there's something going on between us. " Eric said.

"Excuse me?" Ryan replied, frost gilding the end of each word. Eric gave him a friendly little smile, trying to counter that cold with a little warmth.

"Come on, Wolfe. You think I don't recognize evasive maneuvers when they happen right under my nose?"

"You have no idea what you are talking about." Ryan stared at him as if he could force Eric to back off by the sheer weight of his darkened gaze.

"I think I do. You are trying to push me away, keep your distance, but it's not going to work anymore, Ryan. I know what you want." Eric simply said, letting his voice become just a little bit husky. He slowly moved to the very edge of Ryan's personal space and watched him, wondering if he had completely misjudged Ryan and was going to get that long-overdue slug in the face. And watching Ryan's jaw muscle jump, Eric started to think he was right to worry and that the headlines they were about to make wouldn't be pretty.

 _*News at 11: Eric Delko fired from Miami Dade CSI department for inciting a lab brawl with co-worker. Supervisor Caine to make a statem-*_

Before Eric's mind could finish its sarcastic litany, it was rudely interrupted by Ryan's abrupt and deliberately measured step forward until he was nearly nose to nose with Eric.

"I don't know what you think you are doing." Ryan hissed in a sharp whisper, his mouth twisted in a snarling grimace. "Who you talked to, who put you up to this, told you it was what you wanted. But I repeat: you have no idea what you are talking about." Each word was so precisely uttered that it became a tiny dagger, pinning Eric to the spot. "You have no idea what I want, and even if you had the smallest clue, you are not the slightest bit prepared to be the one to give it to me." And then, with a fierceness that was shocking, Ryan's mouth crashed into Eric's to deliver a liplock that could only be described as punishing. While Eric stood motionless and wide-eyed, Ryan brutalized Eric's unsuspecting lips with sharp nips and lashing tongue. Then he broke off and stalked backwards so fast that Eric staggered, gasping for air and seeing stars.

Ryan watched him with bitter satisfaction, roughly wiping his mouth with the back of his hand in a quick, savage gesture. While Eric struggled to recover his equilibrium and process what had just happened, Ryan took in his silence with a crooked smile that held no humour at all.

"Stop deluding yourself Delko. Stick with the ladies; all those pretty little club girls with the short skirts. I'm not here to stroke your ego or help you flatter yourself. You don't want me. You don't want what I want. Just leave me alone."

Stunned by Ryan's ruthless words, Eric watched Ryan turn and stalked his way out of the room without a backward glance. Mind racing furiously, Eric was certain of three things in the midst of his mental turmoil. One, that despite Ryan's obvious anger and violent rejection, there was a hopelessness to his demeanor that gave lie to every grimly-certain statement he had just made. Two, that Ryan's kiss, though painful and meant to frighten him off, had still sent Eric's whole body humming in sympathy to the desire he felt smothered deep in Ryan. Three, he needed to somehow convince Ryan of this.

He could only think of one thing that would persuade his embittered coworker, that would get past Ryan's mistaken belief that Eric had been scared or sickened by Ryan's kiss. He needed to find Ryan as soon as possible.

With an efficiency and thoroughness worthy of his calling, Eric rapidly eliminated all the rooms on the floor and was on his way to the elevator when a feeling in his gut made him pause in front of the men's washroom. He couldn't hear anyone on the other side of the door but Eric had been raised to trust his intuition and working with Horatio Caine had only strengthened that. Careful to push the swinging door open with as little noise as possible, Eric eased himself into the room and past the short sheet-metal barrier. The room had only cheap lighting and one window, but the white tile that lined the washroom from ceiling to floor took the lone sunbeam streaming through the window and gently lit up every stall, sink and urinal. Ryan was standing at the sink in the exact middle of the row, his forehead leaning up against the mirror with his eyes closed and his hands clenched around each side of the white porcelain sink. Anger had abandoned him; left Ryan bent and heavy-limbed under the weight of this burden he had been carrying for much too long.

After a length of time that Eric could not begin to guess how long, Ryan's eyes opened but he didn't look behind him, didn't yet notice the tall and dark figure watching him. Moving mechanically, Ryan turned on the sink and began to wash his hands like someone sleepwalking. Each movement was slow and sure, yet there was something in the way Ryan was twisting his soapy hands together that made Eric feel like Ryan was trying to strip away something from himself. It hurt to watch, gave Eric an ache like a bruise in his breastbone, made him want to reach over and take Ryan's hands, stop Ryan from this repetitive penance.

Before Eric could figure out a safe way to get Ryan's attention, the younger CSI turned off the taps and moved towards the paper towels only to discover Eric leaning awkwardly against them. Eyes wide for a split second, Ryan paused then quickly snatched a loose paper towel and used it with unnecessary force.

"I thought I made myself clear." Ryan's voice was too devoid of any emotion to be believed. Dropping the used paper carefully in the garbage, Ryan tried to walk around Eric only to find himself stopped by a single fingertip right on his solar plexus.

"You did, Ryan. But you didn't give me a chance to be clear. Just give me ten seconds."

"Ten seconds for what? We have nothing to talk about. Your reaction to me told me everything I needed to know."

"Now who is jumping to conclusions, Wolfe?" Ryan seemed startled by Eric's suddenly warm, teasing tone. Before he could recover, Eric pressed his advantage and let his arresting fingertip gently slip down Ryan's shirt until Eric could get a hold of the hem. Pulling slowly, Eric eased the wary Ryan closer to him until he had Ryan beside him, leaning against the barrier by the exit door.

"Now, I think we had a misunderstanding a moment ago," Eric continued in that warm tone, but now let his voice drop an octave. "Because I'm not exactly used to anyone being so ... aggressive with me." Moving with deceptive minuteness, Eric brought his head closer to Ryan's while he kept their gaze locked. "..But that doesn't mean I didn't appreciate the gesture..." His mouth was now so close to Ryan's that his words could be felt dancing along Ryan's lips as well as heard. "...or that I don't want to return it, you just didn't give me a chance to, Ryan." Letting his eyes drop to Ryan's slightly parted lips, Eric then slanted a look up at Ryan through his lashes and closed the remaining distance for a soft but sure kiss.

Ryan's eyes fluttered closed for a brief moment, then he opened them again and pulled back, looking at Eric with a mixture of disbelief and even a little fear.

"You don't want, you can't just...don't tease me like this, Eric. This isn't funny to me." Ryan whispered, his stone face momentarily lost in his confusion.

"I'm not laughing Ryan." Eric replied solemnly. Ryan followed the tug on his shirt again for another kiss, this one slightly longer but before Eric felt Ryan truly relax, he pulled back again and gave Eric a look of desperation.

"I'm gay, Eric. You're not. If you want to experiment, if you're curious, think you need to question what you want, let someone else help you figure out you really do like women after all." Ryan's words were so self-depreciatory and pain-filled that they painted a scene for Eric so vivid it made that ache in his chest return and twist deeper, crawling right for his heart.

"I know what I want," Eric pulled Ryan closer, sliding one hand along his shoulder and neck to cup the back of his head so that Ryan was forced to look into Eric's brown eyes, and willed Ryan to see his conviction. "You're right that I'm not gay but I don't need to find out who I am. It's not about men and women, Ryan. It's about you. I _*do*_ want you." Eric could see the denial in Ryan's eyes, felt him try to pull away but he kept a firm grip on his neck and waist.

"Do you have any idea what you think you are telling me?" Ryan tried again, and Eric once more thought of that summer years ago; the boy, the starfish and his trembling fear of being hurt. Ryan wanted to believe, wanted to trust Eric, but he needed something solid, he needed some real evidence.

And if there was one thing Eric was good at, it was providing evidence.

Eric tightened his grip on Ryan until they were pressed nearly flush against each other. Hoping actions could convince where words couldn't, Eric kissed Ryan again and put all the desire behind it that he could. He wanted to overload Ryan's senses the same way Ryan had overwhelmed his, but with skill and intent this time, rather than brute force. Eric used his teeth to graze rather than bite, his tongue coaxed along Ryan's shy lips rather than demanded and Ryan slowly began to return his kiss with tentativeness. While his mouth kept Ryan distracted, Eric carefully moved his hand from Ryan's waist and took a hold of Ryan's thin wrist. Before Ryan could think to pull free, Eric took the back of Ryan's hand and thrust it between their warm bodies until he had it placed in unmistakable contact with the erection that Eric had straining in his black jeans. Ryan broke their kiss to gasp in surprise and then a shaky moan escaped him. His hand made a careful exploration that left Eric humming in appreciation, then Ryan's hands slipped over to grip the waistband of Eric's jeans like he needed help staying upright.

Their foreheads resting against each other, both men tried to catch their breath in short gasps. Eric tilted his head to the side and favoured Ryan with that lazy, sloping grin he was prone to sporting.

"See, I know exactly what I'm getting into, Wolfe." Eric drawled, moving his hands with equal laziness along Ryan's waist. He leaned forward so that his mouth was right at Ryan's pale ear and dropped his voice to a whisper as his hands touched Ryan with a confidence that was undeniable.

"Not only that, I'm looking forward to it."

Eric punctuated his statement with a gentle squeeze to a part of Ryan that Eric was unmistakably eager to touch. He watched with lusty amusement as all the air seemed to go out of Ryan's lungs and he collapsed against Eric's muscular shoulder. Eric gave him a minute, enjoying the sensation of Ryan's cheek against the cotton of his shirt and the warm exhalations against his neck. Then Ryan steadied himself and raised his head so that his gaze met with Eric's, his expression completely unguarded for once, with his green eyes verdant with relief and the beginnings of hope. Eric grinned again, immensely cheered by how Ryan was slowly relaxing in his arms.

"So.." Eric pulled Ryan gently towards the exit of the bathroom with a teasing smile. "Ready to come home with me so I can prove it?" Ryan's eyes widened at the frank invitation and Eric could see the younger CSI's old fear of pain and rejection trying to regain ground, but then Ryan just simply smiled back and nodded. It was a small nod, but it opened up a whole new world for the two of them, one where Eric fully intended to show Ryan just how good it could be to finally lose control.

 

-fin-  
25.11.05


End file.
